Fighting the good fight...as pointless as it is...

I had a particularly crappy week last week. I spent the better part of the week arguing in court...arguing in vain. Fighting a fight that wasn't mine to fight. Fighting for someone that wasn't here to fight for himself. Fighting against someone that wouldn't give up the fight, even though the person he was fighting with is dead.
How dare he say a bad word against my husband when he is not here to defend himself. How dare he further injure a widow with 2 small children. Does the world not understand that I have 2 children that need to be taken care of for the rest of their lives? And they need to be taken care of by me? Alone? On one income? And no life insurance? And no will?
FOR SHAME!!

One year ago today...

*WARNING - MAY CONTAIN DISTURBING CONTENT*

One year ago today...was the worst day of my life thusfar.

One year ago today I saw my husband for the last time, lying underneath a desk, blood all around him.

One year ago today, my husband accidentally shot himself in the arm with a handgun, and crawled to a phone to dial 911.

One year ago today, he died waiting for the help that never came.

One year ago today, he died all alone in the dark, on a cold, dark floor.

One year ago today, he made me a widow, and my children fatherless.

One year later, I can tell you what happened to him by sharing it on this blog.

One year later, I am still not over it, and I don't know how many more years it will take.

One year later, I am still angry with him for being so stupid.

One year later, and every day in between, I think of him dying all alone that way, and die a little inside myself.

One year later, and a lifetime to go....

Seriously?

I am off to testify at a murder trial this morning...I can't believe I just typed that...

Random

I think I have a crush on fat Alec Baldwin....

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day Patrick. If I would have known last year's would have been your last, I wouldn't have let us argue, I wouldn't have let us had a wordless dinner, I wouldn't have let the day pass without telling you how much I loved you...

Per Kim over at http://livefromthe205.com/, I am posting some self love...I love that I got up after Patrick died, did what I had to do for him, for his business, and his children. I am much stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Fettucini for one

I a making Roasted Garlic Fettucini for one at 9:30 on a Friday night, while watching Pride and Prejudice...how sad is my life...

Me

Two weeks ago I made a decision, it is time to start taking care of myself again. It has been almost a year since I went to the gym, cared what I ate, let's face it, just generally cared about myself. I have been on the exercise/watch what I eat bandwagon for 16 days now, and I can honestly say I feel better. My pants are noticeably looser already, and I am enjoying the high I feel after I work out.

I was left with so much to take care of, I just could not justify taking the time for me. I can honestly now say, with the 1 year mark looming in just 3 weeks, I have decided that I need to start living my life again, instead of living my husband's. This has been hard for me, as it means that I am actually going to try to be happy without him, a concept until now I have been unwilling to entertain.

I like to think he would be happy for me, but I honestly think he would want me to pine for him, and stay under the covers forever. I have to get over the fact that moving on does not make me love him any less.