Monday, August 31, 2009

School Days

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Another first...another first without Patrick.
I think one of the things that bother me most is when people say that they know a day will be hard for me without him, days like my birthday, or Father's Day. What they do not understand is that every single day is hard day. The funny thing is that it is not the milestone days that are the hard days, the hard day might come on a random Wednesday, when a movie we saw together is on TV, or when I see his handwriting somewhere. Those are the really bad days.

I had a dream last night that he came back to his business that I have been running for him for almost the past 6 months. He berated me in my dream for how far behind I am on fulfilling orders, and chastising me for business decisions I have been making. In the dream I tell him why we are behind, I tell him the 3-phase power went out for 2 weeks after I opened the business back up, and a machine was down for 3 weeks. In typical Patrick fashion, he was having none of my excuses. He wouldn't talk to me in the dream.

Last week I had a wonderful dream, we were dancing cheek to cheek, and he was warm and soft, not like the last time I touched him, at the funeral. I have a lot of those dreams, where we are out together, and I always think in my dream to touch his warm skin, and marvel at its warmth and softness. I am sure this stems from the fact that I wish I would have been able to touch him one more time when he was him, not a shell of what he used to be.

I have only cried a handful of times since the funeral, I don't know why. I read other blogs where spouses have several full-on, gut-wrentching cries. I cannot, or do I not let myself? I don't know if I have just so much with the business, and my job, and my kids that I do not let myself have the luxury of a good cry. I might just be suffering more than I let on. People say I am so strong, when really, I am just trying to survive, one hour at a time.

Anyway, this post started off to commemorate the first day of school. Tomorrow, my daughter, Patrick's daughter will start second grade. Next Tueday, my son, his son, will start K4. Why is he not here to share another milestone?

Monday, August 17, 2009


I had a really horrible day today. I attended a court ordered mediation for a lawsuit against my husband, that now belongs to me...thanks!

I had no idea Noodles & Company sells beer, now I know.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

End of Summer

Summer was Patrick's favorite time of year. The festivals, the swimming, we spent a lot of time outside. I am finding it very difficult to do those things without him. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just pick up and move somewhere else, somewhere without the constant reminders that he is not here anymore.

We went to the State Fair this week, probably Patrick's single-most favorite summer activity. I know stupid right? Buildings full of mops and vegtable slicers, and fried things on sticks, but he absolutely loved the fair. I went with my mother and sister-in-law and my kids. We really had a lovely time, but somewhere inside all of the time was this nagging feeling that he wasn't there. I feel so bad for him that he missed the summer, missed his son swimming under water for the first time, graduating from preschool to elementary school. Missed his beautiful daughter being his little scientist and analyzing bugs and nature. How much he will miss, and how much we will miss him.

We talked a lot about daddy at the fair, and all the things he did with them, and all the things he loved to eat and do, and I missed him so acutely, the pain was hard to bear.