Tuesday, May 19, 2009

76 days

Today was the loveliest spring day, 81 degrees and sunny. Today was just the type of day that would make Patrick ask, are you sure you have to work today, 5 minutes later - are you sure? 10 minutes later - really, you have to work?
He loved to live his life to the fullest, trying to squeeze every minute out. He would often ask me on a day like today if we could take a bike ride during my lunch hour. Since I work basically from home, and rarely take a lunch hour, I would usually willingly oblige, with the clear direction that I needed to back in an hour. He would always try to push the envelope, stretching that time until I would make him turn back towards home. So many times I was frustrated and would think, "Doesn't he know how much work I have to do?" Now, even though I have infinitely more work to do, what I wouldn't give to push the envelope on a lunch hour with him.

I went to court on Monday to be named the head of his estate. I do so well every day, and then the stupidest thing will set me off. Sitting in court and hearing his name preceeded by the "estate of" was all it took. Big, hot tears pouring out of my eyes. Couldn't help it.

Now that I have the proper documents it is time to start moving things into his estate. I can't help feeling that I am violating him somehow by doing things like closing his bank account. He had that account before he had me, who am I to close it. It almost feels to me like I am wiping his presence from the earth, and I hate it! I know these are things that must be done, and I will do them and try not to look back.

I had another dream last night, he was wandering around the house talking to me, and I was thinking in my dream, "Thank God, he is not dead." The dreams make me wake up so empty, but will I be even emptier still when I don't have them anymore?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

74 days down,,,a lifetime to go

Today was a beautiful day, the blossoms are in full bloom and I took a drive with my sister and mother-in-law and took pictures of the kids with the brilliant spring colors. It was a day to truly appreciate, and I tried to do just that. I try to relish in every sight and smell, I know all too well that life is just too short. The kids just loved running down the trails in the park picking me the hugest bouquet of dandelions. All in all, today was a good day.

Today was also the last day of Sunday School, and i have to say that I couldn't be more glad! I love churh, I love MY church, but I have to say that I feel different there now. The pews are full of children with both parents, and it is hard for me to sit there...one parent. It is just a painful reminder of what should have been in my life. The funniest thing is that Patrick didn't even go to church with us, but I guess there was always the possiblility that he could have when he wanted to. Now there is no chance of that, or anything else. I have never been so lonely in my life...ever.

I long to just be held by Patrick, to feel his strong arms holding me, safe and comfortable. I dream about him almost every night, we are having a normal conversation, talking about normal things. Sometimes in my dream, I turn to him and say, "You know you are dead, right?" Creepy right. But the thing that is always constant in the dreams is that he is warm and soft, not like the last time I was able to touch him and hold his hand. I miss him so badly, it hurts. I love the dreams because I am close to him, I hate the waking up, because I wake up alone, again.

I loathe the lonely nights, and weekends, and find myself looking forward to Monday, when I can start the 100mph pace that are my days, falling into bed at the end of the day exhausted. Tomorrow, day 75.