Tuesday, May 19, 2009

76 days

Today was the loveliest spring day, 81 degrees and sunny. Today was just the type of day that would make Patrick ask, are you sure you have to work today, 5 minutes later - are you sure? 10 minutes later - really, you have to work?
He loved to live his life to the fullest, trying to squeeze every minute out. He would often ask me on a day like today if we could take a bike ride during my lunch hour. Since I work basically from home, and rarely take a lunch hour, I would usually willingly oblige, with the clear direction that I needed to back in an hour. He would always try to push the envelope, stretching that time until I would make him turn back towards home. So many times I was frustrated and would think, "Doesn't he know how much work I have to do?" Now, even though I have infinitely more work to do, what I wouldn't give to push the envelope on a lunch hour with him.

I went to court on Monday to be named the head of his estate. I do so well every day, and then the stupidest thing will set me off. Sitting in court and hearing his name preceeded by the "estate of" was all it took. Big, hot tears pouring out of my eyes. Couldn't help it.

Now that I have the proper documents it is time to start moving things into his estate. I can't help feeling that I am violating him somehow by doing things like closing his bank account. He had that account before he had me, who am I to close it. It almost feels to me like I am wiping his presence from the earth, and I hate it! I know these are things that must be done, and I will do them and try not to look back.

I had another dream last night, he was wandering around the house talking to me, and I was thinking in my dream, "Thank God, he is not dead." The dreams make me wake up so empty, but will I be even emptier still when I don't have them anymore?

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