Sunday, May 17, 2009

74 days down,,,a lifetime to go

Today was a beautiful day, the blossoms are in full bloom and I took a drive with my sister and mother-in-law and took pictures of the kids with the brilliant spring colors. It was a day to truly appreciate, and I tried to do just that. I try to relish in every sight and smell, I know all too well that life is just too short. The kids just loved running down the trails in the park picking me the hugest bouquet of dandelions. All in all, today was a good day.

Today was also the last day of Sunday School, and i have to say that I couldn't be more glad! I love churh, I love MY church, but I have to say that I feel different there now. The pews are full of children with both parents, and it is hard for me to sit there...one parent. It is just a painful reminder of what should have been in my life. The funniest thing is that Patrick didn't even go to church with us, but I guess there was always the possiblility that he could have when he wanted to. Now there is no chance of that, or anything else. I have never been so lonely in my life...ever.

I long to just be held by Patrick, to feel his strong arms holding me, safe and comfortable. I dream about him almost every night, we are having a normal conversation, talking about normal things. Sometimes in my dream, I turn to him and say, "You know you are dead, right?" Creepy right. But the thing that is always constant in the dreams is that he is warm and soft, not like the last time I was able to touch him and hold his hand. I miss him so badly, it hurts. I love the dreams because I am close to him, I hate the waking up, because I wake up alone, again.

I loathe the lonely nights, and weekends, and find myself looking forward to Monday, when I can start the 100mph pace that are my days, falling into bed at the end of the day exhausted. Tomorrow, day 75.

1 comment:

Bonnie said...

Oh Lisa! I feel your pain! I haven't blogged about it, but my dreams of him weren't comforting. Well, they would be for a moment until I realize (from waking up or in the dream) that he isn't really there.) A month ago or so I told him in the dream that he isn't really here anymore and I don't think I've had a dream about him since-that kind of makes me sad now-but it really was hard waking up to the reality after a dream with him.
I also know about going to church and seeing all the "intact" families. Some days are easier than others-maybe it's because I'm a few months farther in this than you--but it still is like a punch in the stomach when it comes rushing back to you in a moment. I will be praying for you and your children.