Monday, September 21, 2009

Gracefully skipping over the half-year post

I decided to ignore the 6-month mark since Patrick's death. I try not to think about the date, so that I do not subconsciously count how many days until the next. September 4th was 6 months. The day passed uneventfully, but I could not help thinking six months, half a year, over and over again.

I miss him so much. I feel like there is nothing left of the me I used to be in this body I live in. I do not do any of the things I did when Patrick was alive. So much has changed, we all have lost so much, him, ourselves.

I used to go to the gym and take care of myself. I used to go to nice restaurants for dinner with Patrick, we used to go to movies, go for bike rides on nice days. I don't do any of those things anymore.

In my defense, he left me to run his business, something I have yet to discuss here. I have a full-time job of my own, a full-time business to run, and a full-time job as a mom. Still, I think it is important to find myself in this shell of a body, to tell myself how important it is to take care of myself.

Here is to hoping that the next six months are just a little bit easier. Maybe I can start sleeping in our bed again. Maybe I can face going to his grave. Maybe I can sell his business. Maybe I can listen to my children, who tell me I do not laugh enough. Maybe I can allow myself to have a good cry when I need it.

Maybe the next six months won't be as bad as the last six have been...maybe.

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