Friday, October 02, 2009

How I am feeling today

I do not know how I am feeling today. I feel so raw, like all of my nerve endings are on the outside of my skin. My hands are shaking, and my stomach is in knots. There is nothing in particular that is making me feel this way, nothing more than the usual suckage.

Next Friday would have been my 10-year wedding anniversary. I hope this feeling is not the day looming over me. Patrick had so many grandiose plans for our 10 year. He wanted to take all of our loved ones to Paris, or throw a massive party. I don't know what I will do to mark the day now. My daughter has a cross-country run at her school, and work...

I have good days and bad days, but this feeling is a little foreign to me. Not quite sure if I can even attach an adjective to it, just raw. Time works against me it seems. I wish I could push it a year into the future, but would that even be enough? I am so lonely, I ache. I miss the feeling of skin next to mine, not even in a sexual way, well OK that too, but just the feeling of warm skin next to my skin. A hand in my hand. An arm against my arm. A leg draped over mine. I miss the intimacy more than I actually miss sex.

Mostly, I just miss everything I used to have, the person I used to be, the person I will never be again.

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